Updated: Mar 15
There are too many roads less travelled I have taken; there are too many facets of my journeys, inside and transcendentally. In the lines that follow, you may find one or many of them.
Labouring my heart through years to overcome my Mum’s loss in my teen years, failed attempts at relationships, a child abuse incident when I was 5 years old and losing my Dad in 2014. Excelling in jobs that I did not like mostly because I have always had this relationship of convenient inconvenience with capitalism, however, had to pay the bills, pay for my postgraduate degrees and chase dreams of creating my own healing and wellness practice/house "The Hoopoe House". In between, I have also moved countries, houses and been challenged with a long journey of finding, losing and re-finding mature and kind humane connections, most importantly I am inspired enough to still believe in my inner magic and self-made fairy-tales.
It has taken me years to realise who I am today. In those years I have learned how to show up with a shattered heart and an exposed vulnerability but yet keep on going, believing in the power of one day at a time; and if it was too hard then I would break it down to one moment at a time.
I have always found the ability to become a healer; a blessing in so many ways, yet, healers, if not cautious can hide in the journeys of healing others.
In 2017, I had traumatic stress that led to an autoimmune reaction in my body. I thought I can manage despite of everything in me that started losing the will to go on. My heart was miserable like never before and I ignored it or thought I was finding resolutions for it, while all I was doing was burying how I felt and pretending everything was fine. This of course was not the case; everything in me was falling apart.
I was born and raised in a house that made me believe that I was born free; what’s more, they gave me wings too! My inner child, childhood conditioning and intuition knew it and they saved me.
I started realising something was not working in my life when I started finding difficulty before sleeping due to swollen and inflamed joints, with a throbbing discomfort in my feet and hands, as if they were telling me we do not want to go on in this direction anymore! They were screaming “No”. This is what happens when we do not listen to our hearts. My body was shouting right at my face: How dare you betray your loyalty to your core values? How dare you fail to walk your talk? Nevertheless, I did, and continued to ignore them and me altogether!
My body, our bodies are our most faithful servants! They will fight for us and demand our right to live and given half a chance, they would heal themselves. If you have ever wondered about the most amazing love story in the world it would have to be between your body and you! It labours for you unconditionally no matter what shit you put it through.
Unless we are loyal to ourselves, our ability to be loyal to any of our choices in life is tormented.
The swollen hands and feet, started turning into swollen joints all over, it was hard to sleep, hard wake up and hard to get going. However, I also did! Until one day, I woke up with my entire swollen body. My heart dimmed its lights.
If you know me, you would know I am not pro artificial interventions with the body. I believe in the power and magic of nature. I am also someone who would choose to hurt herself but not others even if others are hurting her, which is not right and certainly meant that my compromises were all about putting myself through a non-trauma informed self-inflicted misery.
Somehow, I have developed the belief that I can heal myself since I am a healer, which was wrong. Healers need healers. I needed someone to hold my space. I was set out on a mission to heal the world thinking I would find my salvation until I was depleted. In addition, guess what, I was too ashamed to admit my depletion too! Not only because I didn't want to burden those around me, I also wanted to stand up for my responsibility of being there for my seekers but I also didn't trust anyone would particularly be there for the way I needed myself to be there for me! I knew that was the deal breaker; being there for myself!
I believe we are an essential part of the intricate texture that forms the genius of the universe we live in. Therefore, we are engineered to grow and bloom through the power of healing in natural, organic and holistically wholesome interactions. My body was stronger than I was; it was showing me the way back to my freedom. It longed for flying and I had it pinned to too many chains.
Again, I embarked on a journey of fixing myself, armed with nothing but my intuitive compass. Alone, on my own; in less than two months, I moved to a new house, ended a relationship that was harming me, found a new job, and started an integrative nutrition programme with an amazing Health Coach. A programme that later on helped by my determination and resilience filled a large gap in my continuous commitment to my inner work and personal healing journey, as well as, my practice.
Sometimes the weirdest things in life save us, things as simple and minuscule as choosing to land your next step in a different direction just because you saw an ant crossing the street and you didn't want to harm it! Now I look back and think that one of those moments where I now look back and think to myself “I must have done something good in my childhood.”
Over the past two years, I have learned too many great lessons that would be hard to pin down in one story. Most importantly, I have reached new miles of growing in love with myself, listening to my body and holistically honouring myself; mind, body, heart and soul.
Today, I can finally say that I have finally came to a closure with a long healing journey from an abuse trauma that I have experienced in my childhood. Mind you, I had wonderful parents and an amazing childhood. These things happen and it took me too long to be able to put it in words because I was always worried about my parents’ image. They were beautiful beings who did their best and it was nothing that anyone would have expected.
I have now forgiven all those who hurt me and let them go as wide apart as universally possible. I have set myself free. I have taken the learning from the pain they have put me through and turned it into an additional deposit of magic in my abundant magic pot.
I cannot describe how glorious the moment is when the things that trigger your trauma do not trigger it anymore. I now look at those triggers, smile (like an old wise man in a cave) and wave (in a rather royal and graceful way). I close my eyes and pay my gratitude.
That does not mean that I am free from trauma remembrance moments where some sadness ebbs to the surface, but it is a different kind of sadness. An empowered one. There was a point in my life where I sat with my sadness over coffee and we had a rather existential conversation with it. We agreed to accept each other and learn from each other’s presence to overcome and cross over to a place where there is light, abundantly.
Over the past years, I have acquired a deeper knowledge for my practice, I come from a more enlightened and holistically empowered place of serving my seekers and loving and supporting those close to me, I was blessed by beautiful people along the path and many beautiful dreams that came true. I think of myself as a lucky person. I am grateful to the little details that makes the magic in all the blessings in my life.
I forgive myself. I honour the responsibility of my emotions and passions in life by working for them. I take every step with grace and a profound belief that I am as empowered as I work on myself to become better on every aspect. This was never an easy journey, but even more worth it.
For the rest of my life, I want to be authentically in joy and happy health; I want to transcend peace, love, joy, warmth, vitality and radiance in abundance. I have realised this can be a dream too. A rather challenging one at times, but again, all the more worth it.
So what does the Hoopoe got to do with it?
Hoopoes have always appeared as loyal spiritual guided in the most unexpected moments of my journey. And every time they appeared, I knew that hope will spring again. That a turning point bringing goodness will to flow abundantly to my life.
They are one of my spirit animals and like all Disney princesses and heroines; part of my team of courage helpers, along with squirrels, butterflies, the phoenix, unicorns, the Pegasus, trees, birds...Who could need more friends when we have this surmountable magical nature around us.
So, the recurrent appearance of Hoopoes, my auto-immune alarm, coupled with a happy realisation of existence that occurred earlier this year, I decided to make myself a Hoopoe ring with "I Love Thee" engraved next to the hallmark, to remind myself of the radical truth that whenever we seem to forget it; we become muddled in confusion, anxiety and loss. It is from this that all our authentic truth transcend. I needed to commit to myself in love before I can commit to anyone or anything. I needed to meet my edges and soften.
Above all, I needed to fill the gaps in my heart bestowed upon me with existential questions and crisis. I needed to experience my unconditional presence before I can give it.
"The ancient Egyptians believed in the vena amoris, literally the “vein of love” that runs directly from the heart to the fourth finger on the left hand. Since then, wedding rings have been worn as a sign of the biding pledge between spouses. The endless circle shows the eternal nature of the union, with the open centre a portal to the unexplored life ahead as a couple.". My belief is we can not commit to life, let alone anything or anyone in it before committing to ourselves. The hoopoe ring serves as a reminder of my commitment to my self love, my continuous inner work to attain it, sustain and make it better so I can serve my life and everything in it authentically and transcendentally.
The sight of the Hoopoe enlightens my heart! And the sentence inside "I LOVE THEE" has now nudged me a couple of times when I was muddled in life's situations to remind me of my commitment to my inner work.
So here it is to all my traumas, resilience, my trails and errors, my pains, wounds, sadness, fear and anger. Here it is to my inner child, inner work, roads less travelled, wings broken and mended, hearts shattered and healed, dreams lost and new dreams found, here is to rebirth and resurrection and to the journey of the phoenix that rises from ashes: I LOVE THEE. And for all of it, I am abundantly grateful.
And to you who has just finished reading this, thank you. Sending you love and light abundantly.
P.S. The ring was produced by Yasmeen Mahgoub, who is am Egyptian Jewelery Designer and a beautiful soul.